Pazar Saat 10:05<\/b><\/p>\n
Her \u015fey pazar g\u00fcn\u00fc saat 10:05’te ba\u015flad\u0131. Zaman\u0131n i\u00e7inde s\u0131k\u0131\u015f\u0131p kalm\u0131\u015f bir an gibi…<\/p>\n
O saat, her haftan\u0131n ayn\u0131 a\u011f\u0131rl\u0131\u011f\u0131yla geliyor. Beni yerle bir eden o ge\u00e7mi\u015f, g\u00fcn\u00fcm\u00fczde yank\u0131lan\u0131yor. D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnsene, onu\u00a0her Pazar yeniden yarat\u0131yorum; yeniden ba\u015fl\u0131yorum ama hi\u00e7bir yere de varam\u0131yorum.<\/p>\n
Bir zamanlar\u0131n,\u00a0hayat\u0131n\u0131n merkezinde olan ki\u015finin,\u00a0zamanla kim oldu\u011funu bildi\u011finde garip bir karma\u015f\u0131kl\u0131k ortaya \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yor. Ne nefretim, tam anlam\u0131yla nefret, ne de \u00f6zlemim masum bir \u00f6zlem. Bir d\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm gibi. \u00c7\u00f6zmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131k\u00e7a daha da s\u0131k\u0131la\u015f\u0131yor bu d\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm ve ilmikler sar\u0131l\u0131yor koca elleriyle g\u0131rtla\u011f\u0131ma, art\u0131k yeter diyor bunca ya\u015famak, haydi vakit tamam\u0131\u00a0kalk\u0131yor o son gemi limandan, a\u011f\u0131r ve aheste.<\/p>\n
\u0130lk Y\u0131llar: Sevgi mi Yoksa \u0130ll\u00fczyon mu?<\/b><\/p>\n
Onu ilk g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmde \u00fczerinde,\u00a0fazlas\u0131ndan\u00a0beyaz bir elbise vard\u0131; sanki yaz g\u00fcne\u015fi\u00a0sa\u00e7lar\u0131na dokunmu\u015ftu. Bana bak\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131nda,\u00a0zaman durmu\u015f durumdayd\u0131 zaman i\u00e7re. G\u00f6zlerindeki s\u0131cakl\u0131\u011f\u0131 beni i\u00e7ine \u00e7ekmi\u015fti; o an i\u00e7in ba\u015fka hi\u00e7bir \u015fey \u00f6nemli de\u011fildi. Ama muhtemelen o s\u0131cakl\u0131k sadece bir ayna\u00a0g\u00f6revini\u00a0s\u00fcr\u00fcyormu\u015f;<\/p>\n
Ben\u00a0onun bana ay\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131 y\u0131ll\u0131k y\u00fcz\u00fcne bak\u0131yordum, i\u00e7inde ki, y\u0131k\u0131c\u0131 olu\u015fumlar\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rememi\u015fim.<\/p>\n
Dokuz y\u0131l.<\/i>\u00a0Dokuz uzun y\u0131l boyunca onu sevdi\u011fimi sanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Oysa \u015fimdi fark ediyorum ki sevmedi\u011fim \u015feyi bana g\u00f6sterdi\u011fi yer sadece\u00a0sahte aynalarda; kendi hayalimden ba\u015fka bir \u015fey de\u011filmi\u015f.<\/p>\n
O an\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131n haf\u0131zamda semboller beliriyor\u00a0yeni yeni:<\/p>\n
Paran\u0131n G\u00f6lgesi<\/b><\/p>\n
Zamanla adaletli bir \u015fekilde\u00a0kazand\u0131, g\u00f6zlerindeki \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131n artt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 sand\u0131m. Daha \u00e7ok \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131m, daha \u00e7ok verdim ona… Onunla\u00a0mutlu oldu\u011fum yerdeydim, ya da ben \u00f6yle san\u0131yordum. Ama \u015fimdi fark ediyorum ki asl\u0131nda mutluluk bana ait de\u011fildi; cebimde ta\u015f\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131m k\u00e2\u011f\u0131t par\u00e7alar\u0131yd\u0131. Mutluluk imzada, ka\u015fede bir tak\u0131m evraklardayd\u0131<\/p>\n
Zamanla hem sevgimin hem elimde ki \u00e7i\u00e7eklerin iflas\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. O g\u00fcn, d\u00fcnyan\u0131n b\u00fct\u00fcn renkleri siyaha benim i\u00e7in geri d\u00f6nd\u00fc. Ama as\u0131l ac\u0131y\u0131 iflaslardan sonra elde etmek, sahip olmak ve hissetmek iliklerine kadar: Onun ger\u00e7ek durumunda, pozisyonunda, erkek \u00f6zentisi surat\u0131nda olmayan de\u011fi\u015fimlerle\u2026<\/p>\n
Zaman g\u00f6steriyordu ger\u00e7ek y\u00fcz\u00fcyle t\u00fcm yads\u0131nan, inkar edilen ger\u00e7ekleri ve zaman belli ediyordu bize, g\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcz\u00fcn \u00f6n\u00fcne seriyordu apa\u00e7\u0131k insanlar\u0131n ger\u00e7ek y\u00fczlerini.<\/p>\n
Ayr\u0131l\u0131k ve Yaln\u0131zl\u0131k<\/b><\/p>\n
Ayr\u0131ld\u0131k o sabah… Zaten haz\u0131rd\u0131. Uzatmalar\u0131 oynuyor, ne kopar\u0131rsam kar diyordu. Hi\u00e7te pi\u015fman olmam\u0131\u015ft\u0131.<\/p>\n
Y\u00fcz\u00fcnde en ufak bir k\u0131r\u0131lma belirtisi yoktu. Sessizce telefonu kapatt\u0131m\u00a0ve onu sonsuza kadar hayat\u0131mdan \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131m. Son konu\u015fmadan kalan sesler ve bu ili\u015fkiden geriye kalan par\u00e7alar hala kulaklar\u0131mda yank\u0131lan\u0131yor. Ben yaln\u0131z ya\u015fayan bir kad\u0131n\u0131m, hayatta kalmak i\u00e7in paraya ihtiyac\u0131m var.<\/p>\n
O g\u00fcnden\u00a0sonra hi\u00e7bir kad\u0131n giremedi hayat\u0131ma, kim bilir belki g\u00fcn\u00fcn birinde bir g\u00fcvercin gelip konacakt\u0131 yeni a\u00e7\u0131lan \u00e7i\u00e7ekli dallar\u0131ma. Kap\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131 s\u0131ms\u0131k\u0131 kapatt\u0131m herkese kar\u015f\u0131\u2026 \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc art\u0131k kimseye g\u00fcvenemezdim.<\/p>\n
Ama her pazar saat 10’da tekrar geri d\u00f6n\u00fcyor gibi devam ediyordum\u00a0onu\u2026 Kokusu yank\u0131lan\u0131yor\u00a0kas\u0131klar\u0131mda\u00a0
Yeniden Do\u011fu\u015f<\/b><\/p>\n
Zaman ge\u00e7ti… Yaralar kabuk ba\u011flay\u0131p izi her daim\u00a0tenimde ve ruhumda kald\u0131.\u00a0Sordular bu morluklar ne? Hep ayn\u0131 yalan \u00e7ocu\u011fum \u0131s\u0131rd\u0131 \u015fakayla.<\/p>\n
Simgelerle Dolu G\u00fcnl\u00fck Hayat<\/b><\/p>\n
Art\u0131k yaln\u0131z ya\u015f\u0131yorum b\u00fcy\u00fck\u00e7e bir evde… Evimin duvarlar\u0131n\u0131 gri renge boyad\u0131m \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc gri bana hayat\u0131n tam ortas\u0131nda olmay\u0131 hat\u0131rlat\u0131yor: Ne siyah kadar karanl\u0131k ne beyaz de kadar saf…<\/p>\n
Her sabah g\u00f6ky\u00fcz\u00fc penceresinin \u00e7e\u015fitlili\u011findeki ku\u015flara bakar\u0131m… Ku\u015flar\u0131n \u00f6zg\u00fcrl\u00fc\u011f\u00fc benim i\u00e7in,\u00a0ama ayn\u0131 zamanda yaln\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n da…<\/p>\n
Evin k\u00f6\u015fesinde eski saatler koleksiyonu var; Baz\u0131 g\u00fcnler \u00e7al\u0131\u015fm\u0131yor ama ibresi\u00a0akrep ve yelkovan\u0131n\u00a0ayn\u0131 yerde durmu\u015f:<\/p>\n
Saat 10:05.<\/i><\/p>\n
Her sabah kahvemi i\u00e7erken duman\u0131n\u0131 izliyorum\u00a0ya\u015fam\u0131n, fincan\u0131mdan y\u00fckseliyor\u00a0yava\u015f yava\u015f…<\/p>\n
Sanki usul bir ya\u011fmur serpi\u015ftirir gibi g\u00f6nl\u00fcme. O g\u00f6n\u00fcl ki ne ihanetlere \u015fahit oldu, benim i\u00e7in \u00e7ok kutsal.\u00a0Duman bana ge\u00e7icili\u011fini hat\u0131rlat\u0131yor; Hi\u00e7bir \u015fey kalmayana kadar kalan bu hayatta…<\/p>\n
Ve sonra pencereden,\u00a0caddeden ge\u00e7en otob\u00fcslere bak\u0131yorum uzun uzun… Belki i\u00e7inde sen vars\u0131nd\u0131r diye de\u011fil, belki de tesad\u00fcfen g\u00f6zlerimiz kar\u015f\u0131la\u015f\u0131r diye, kendim i\u00e7in istedi\u011fim bir \u015fey yok yeminle, hepsi g\u00f6zlerim i\u00e7in…<\/p>\n
Umut mu? Yoksa Kapan\u0131\u015f m\u0131?<\/b><\/p>\n
Hayat bazen insanlara ikinci \u015fanslar sunar derler ama ben buna pek inanm\u0131yorum\u2026<\/p>\n
\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc baz\u0131 yaralar kapanmaz, baz\u0131 eksiklikler tamamlanmaz\u2026<\/p>\n
Belki de tek ger\u00e7ek \u015fu: Herkesin kendi hikayesini ta\u015f\u0131r omuzlar\u0131nda ve baz\u0131 hikayeler hi\u00e7 tamamlanmaz…<\/p>\n
Her pazar saat 10’da ba\u015flayan hikayem,\u00a0hala devam ediyor asl\u0131nda…<\/p>\n
Ama bu kez farkl\u0131 belki de! Art\u0131k seni beklemiyorum \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc \u00f6\u011frendim\u00a0ki gelmeyeceksin\u2026<\/p>\n
Sadece beklemenin nas\u0131l hissettirdi\u011fini unutmamak i\u00e7in haz\u0131rlanmak,\u00a0hafta sonu ayn\u0131 saatte…<\/p>\n
Ve belki de en b\u00fcy\u00fck ironisi\u00a0hayat\u0131m\u0131n:<\/p>\n
Senin beni sevmedi\u011fin kadar ben seni sevmi\u015ftim…<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Pazar Saat 10:05 Her \u015fey pazar g\u00fcn\u00fc saat 10:05’te ba\u015flad\u0131. Zaman\u0131n i\u00e7inde s\u0131k\u0131\u015f\u0131p kalm\u0131\u015f bir an gibi… O saat, her haftan\u0131n ayn\u0131 a\u011f\u0131rl\u0131\u011f\u0131yla geliyor. Beni yerle bir eden o ge\u00e7mi\u015f, g\u00fcn\u00fcm\u00fczde yank\u0131lan\u0131yor. D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnsene, onu\u00a0her Pazar yeniden yarat\u0131yorum; yeniden ba\u015fl\u0131yorum ama hi\u00e7bir yere de varam\u0131yorum. Bir zamanlar\u0131n,\u00a0hayat\u0131n\u0131n merkezinde olan ki\u015finin,\u00a0zamanla kim oldu\u011funu bildi\u011finde garip bir karma\u015f\u0131kl\u0131k […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":17,"featured_media":98620,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[37],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-99720","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-safak-genc"],"views":591,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mersingazetesi.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/99720","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mersingazetesi.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mersingazetesi.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mersingazetesi.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/17"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mersingazetesi.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=99720"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/mersingazetesi.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/99720\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mersingazetesi.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/98620"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mersingazetesi.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=99720"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mersingazetesi.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=99720"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mersingazetesi.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=99720"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}